The Memory Room

A few months ago, Henry and I attended his 50th college reunion. And we had a ball! It was a fabulous weekend. Henry reconnected with his classmates, and I met many of his friends for the first time. It was super fun. Lots of catching up and lots of stories. Plus, there were lectures with university faculty which was awesome. And presentations by several classmates in various fields. One session was appropriately called, “A Conversation About Aging Well.”

However, what stayed with me most was The Memory Room.

The reunion organizers created a small room filled with photographs and personal reflections of classmates who had passed away. Out of Henry's class of 1,250 people, 143 are gone. 

All weekend, people wandered in & out of The Memory Room. They’d stop in front of a photo and read the reflections and just stand there. When people talked, it was in soft tones. And I overheard some of the conversations. They’d tell a funny story or about a wild adventure. And they also talked about how their classmate had died and how they found out about it. And how sad they were.

But mostly, people talked about the impact that person had on them. Someone said, “He invited me to audition for that singing group. And I’m still singing!” And another said, “I’ll never forget it. She helped me study for that punishing physics final.”

Somebody else wrote, “I came to college with one suitcase and English as my third language. Adam was my roommate. He knew I was overwhelmed & scared & homesick. And he helped me every day. And we were just 18 years old. And all these years later, he is still the kindest man I’ve ever known.”

That sentiment was the throughline in The Memory Room.

Either in a conversation or on a blue sticky note where ppl added their own thoughts, they expressed the way the person who had died made them feel or had an impact on them. “He was so generous. She was loyal. They were so funny! They inspired me or motivated me or challenged me and they even introduced me…”

What also stood out was that the memories weren't frozen in college. Many friendships continued for decades. They really stayed in touch.

And what was remarkable throughout the entire reunion weekend… was that most people didn’t focus on their careers. I mean, they certainly talked about their work which was interesting and fascinating. And they kindly asked me about The Confidence Project, which I appreciated because I’m not a classmate.  But people didn’t brag about their careers, or awards, or their accomplishments.

Instead, they talked about their children, and their grandchildren, and our world, and what it means to be an elder, the inevitable ups & downs of life, and what they admire about their classmates, especially those classmates honored in The Memory Room.

As I listened, I realized that the qualities people remembered most are the same qualities that make great leaders, business partners, colleagues, team members, and friends, and family members. Kindness. Integrity. Generosity. Creativity. Tenacity. Resilience. And the ability to listen deeply and make people feel respected and valued. Qualities that may never appear on a LinkedIn profile or a résumé or in an obituary.

There is no substitute for being a good and decent person. That is what will get us into The Memory Room.

Thank you for reading.